The Sorrow Within

2009-10-17T03:45:00.001-07:00

Hi all!

Been very busy.

ORIGAMI!

2009-06-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

Alrighty....Long time never update my blog......anyways....I just graduated from poly with DWM... Damn happy...

Now I'm waiting to enter uni.... :D

Here's some of my origami works...:D As u can see I caught the origami bug!

Arabesque by Mio TsugawaSonobe Icosahedron

Kusudama

2008-09-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

here's one of my first kusudamas

I recently started making kusudamas out of boredom...and I'm kinda addicted now

2008-09-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

I recently found out the name of the animation that I saw a few years back that had always remained in my mind. It is called 'More' by Mark Osbourne. I saw it when I was having a really difficult time and start of an 'ordeal' I'm still fighting now. I remember tears running down when I first saw it as that main character resembled me so much especially during the scene where the character ran and hid in the storeroom depressed. I used to do that many times a day when I was in college....in a toliet cubicle.
Oh man...watching that video again was so nostalgic to me. I have since moved on and no longer do I cry when i watch it :)
Great video!

What is it with aunties ???

2008-07-13T05:04:00.000-07:00

I take the MRT daily, but I notice that aunties will always stand so near to the train entrance when they want to board.....even if during peak hours and many people want to alight.....then they will just dash their way through violently pushing those trying to alight straight towards whatever empty seat they are eyeing.

I see this everyday and it just makes me sick in the stomach. Is this typical of singapore aunties or is it the same elsewhere? I really wonder.....

Update

2008-06-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Heh...long time since i update ... I doubt anyone reads anyway. Been working at the hospitalfor about a year now, been forced to tears twice by some nasty patients.... I really start to doubt whether am I as strong as I want to be. Damn embarrassing but I just don't know why the tears just drop like a loose tap.......i hate myself for that....should have been stronger. Darn it...

Anyways...I got a health scare recently. Well it turns out the symptoms I'm having is related to the medicine I'm taking daily and not a certain suspected disease. Phew....darn medicine.When can i stop taking this? I can't donate blood cos of this stupid medication I'm taking! I was rejected :( I'm otherwise healthy enough to donate blood.

Thats all....Nothing much to write ...

Why I hate children

2008-02-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

I hate chinese new year. Every year I go visiting ...trust me when I say its a nightmare... I hate small kids, babies and whatever they are known as. So please auntie ... stop showing of that stupid baby of yours to me cos I will never appreciate it. What am I supposed to say when you do that? Awww...so cute...I suppose, but sorry...i can't bring myself to say such disgusting stuff or say such a lie.

Another thing....those small spoilt brats....yeah i mean babies who learnt to walk and use their voice boxes. I can't stand their high pitched scream...running and pushing....hey...U shorties....am I wall or something for you to play hide and seek? FUCK THE HELL OFF OR I WILL BITE!

Oh....another thing I hate is when I take public transport these idiotic brats who some how sit beside me....DON'T TOUCH ME WITH THOSE FILTHY FINGERS OF YOURS. No I won't make funny faces or go goo goo gaa gaa to you. I bloody hate you for disturbing me.
Usually when I face such scenarios, I just get up and walk away....as soon as I notice some toddler just sat down beside me.

That's how much I hate kids....I've been thinking of getting my tubes tied when I have the money....the challenge is finding a doctor who will do it for me cos I know everyone has this sterotypical view that all women want children....eventually. Not for me....not in a million years...cos I know if I have one I will most probably end up in jail for child abuse cos I have zero tolerance for them regardless of whose child that is...including if its mine....GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr...

Jupiter by Holst

2008-01-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

I've always liked Jupiter by Holst from The nine planets.
This video I found on youtube is great...nice recording....the only problem is...it is like watching a comedy......
That conductor's expression is so funny....I don't mean to be disrespectful but seriously it is too much lah......I mean if I were sitting there playing I can't concentrate...I would laugh till my back ache man.......
here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B49N46I39Y

2007-09-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Just saw my results. I'm sad...but it was not bad....however I don't think I will get roll of honours this time. My results are fine...in the sense that I still managed to get some As. But not enough for me. I wish I have someone to drink with me now.I know I have not touched alcohol for a long time but right now I think I need some. I want to feel some numbness.
Am I pushing myself too hard?
Why am I so weary of what others think of me?
Will I ever step out of this dark enclosure I accidentally entered years ago?
I get no tears...I pretty much want wished that I could cry to let out all the bitterness in me.
Sadly I can't. It appears that I've lost the ability to cry.
I'm all alone when I need some one to just be there. I don't need any comforting words. I just want the presence of someone beside me. A few cans of beer maybe. Yet everyone's asleep am I'm left here in the darkness.
It is weird. I want some company and yet at the same time I want silence and some solitude as well......
I've been trying hard to refrain myself from thinking of suicide cos I don't want to die but the emotional torture is unbearable. I kept inflicting physical wounds on myself for no reason apparently. I feel like a psycho and I hate being one. But if one need to enjoy life a little and if inflicting wounds make me feel better...why not? Why should I care what others think of me?
Oh fuck it, I still DO CARE of what others think of me no matter how hard I try. Seriously, I'm sick of wearing this mask. I'm emo deep inside me and I don't find that glamourous like many others do and hence I cover true self up.
Suddenly, at this moment of time, I don't know what I need to feel better. On second thought, no...alcohol won't make me feel better,....company won't make me feel better. WHAT EXACTLY DO I NEED?

??

2007-09-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

Its been quite a while since I last updated my blog. I have started on my clinical attatchment and I must say I was very intimidated by what I saw during my first day at the heart centre. I went back to the school's library to borrow some books on cardiac technology after that...I was scared...well perhaps 'scared' is not the right word to use...more of worried and anxiety.
My results for last semester will be out soon and I don't have a good feeling about it cos I was so stressed and kept suffering from anxiety attacks...something I'm so familiar and afraid of...I definately don't want history to repeat itself.
I recently saw an article about a new technique for treating depression called DBS (deep-brain stimulation ) which is still under experimental stage. I want to go for that...but I very well know this is an extreme resort but then I have been so miserable due to this fucking illness for so long that it has robbed away my teenage years. Medicine doesn't seem to help and my fucking psychaitrist knows nothing and can't cure me. Even though he kept saying my condition is good now...I don't see anything good...I am pretty much still the same since I was hospitalised for this fucking illness years ago. I take my medicine everyday and I turn up for my appointments and yet I'm feel the same butthe doctor keep on saying I'm recovering which fucking fustrates me. How can I be recovering when I still get suicidal often and attempts it? I think I'm just getting better at hiding what I'm feeling to prevent my family from worrying about me.
It scares me...sometimes I wonder whether my brain ever secretes dopamine or am I like one of those hard core meth addicts whose brain can't produce dopamine anymore due to drug abuse?
BUt then I'm no drug abuser.

2007-08-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Its been a very long time since I last updated my blog. I just don't feel like it. I'm currently preparing for my exams. Soon I will be heading off to the national heart centre for my year long attatchment. I willbe learning about caridac technology. Hopefully I won't bump into any one I know during my attatchment period. That would be awkward. But again it will be very likely to happen since its the national heart centre...kind of the main heart centre in this tiny country.
I dread this question the most. Why aren't you in university yet. I don't intend to go there even after I graduate from here. Its got nothing to do with my grades. I have better reasons than that and my grades ain't bad.
People like to assume alot. I don't care. The education system here is all about memory work. Just memorise the facts. You don't have to understand. A 20 mark essay question only demands one's memory capacity.
I'm throughoutly sick of memorising anymore and that forms part of the reason why I don't wish to enter uni just yet.

Music

2007-07-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings, op.11 by the BBC orchestra just now and I was so moved by that piece. It is so sad and touching. I would love to listen to a live performance of that piece. I don't know why but these days I tend to like emotional pieces...music that convey the emotions similar to that piece.
Sad music relaxes me. I hate those disco music my brother loves ...those techno and crap that he likes to play ever so loudly. Its irritating to me. Yuck...he has no taste at all. U call that music??? Hardly any emotion...just irritating loub bass beats with lacklusture singing by someone with a little girl's voice. He likes that kind of music. We may be siblings but our taste in music is totally different.

2007-07-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Microbiology is a very content heavy subject. Loads of memory work. It is interesting but tough when it comes to exams. So many things to remember and it is impossible to spot any question.
Come to think about it, I think I prefer genetics. At least it is more concept based. Once you understand it, there is hardly any need for memory work.

2007-07-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

I always try my best in everything I do. It fustrates me whenever I see people who slack all day and yet does better than me. Life's never fair. I have experienced alot of unfairness in my life. Perhaps I should start looking at the brighter side of things. After all, my life ain't that bad after all....I'm lucky to be born here instead of some third world country.
Yes, life revolves around tests and exams right now but that will not dictate what I will achieve in the future. Who knows. I might me more successful that those who performed better than me academically and someone who is academically weaker than me will be more successful than me and so on. That is the interesting part. Perhaps I should just stop comparing cos I'm uncomparable to anyone. In fact, no one is cos everyone's different. The older generation keep emphasising the need for good grades, being amongst the top and so on. But can everyone be the top? The higher one gets, the more stress one faces... It is like climbing a mountain, the higher one gets the less oxygen there is and the harder it is to breathe. Perhaps it is not too bad an idea to just stay in the middle where the oxygen is still at an acceptable level for one to breathe comfortably. The top is only for those with better lungs and I know I don't have such good lungs. Again, the older generation will say that I don't have the fighting spirit to strive for the very best. Well, I thing the 'best' is defined by onself. Everyone has a limit. Exceeding it will cause one to suffocate to death. So I guess I should just be happy with where I am now. I would rather stay comfortable than make my life miserable just to please someone else.
I'm proud of myself to have come this far. I won't be affected by what the older generation say cos whatever they say is not always true even though they keep emphasising it as good advice. It is up to me to decide whether whatever what they say is good advice and not vice versa.

School sucks.

2007-07-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

Blah...I hate biosafety...but it is very important....better study hard. Urgh....I have lab session tomorrow again. I hate it when I take my plates out of the incubator. The moment I open the door, the smell of ....hmm....I don't know how to describe it.....but it smells really bad....worst than a toliet that has not been washed for 10 years, comes straight into your face.
Alright, I can ask someone else to take the plates out..but there's no escape....I still have to open the lids of the plates and observe the colonies....unless I hold my breath, it is inevitable that I still smell it.... Just the thought of stepping into the lab dreads me.....once u enter the first smell one notices is the bacteria culture's stinking smell.
Blah, no choice. If I want to work in the lab in the future I have to put up with this and I know I have to deal with stool samples sometimes as well........so better train my nose to filter out the smell now. No wonder I have to study biosafety. Hmm.....why can't I just do everything in the biosafety cabinet? The smell won't escape that way then........but sadly...there is few BSCs in my sch......
Ah....finally ...my streaking technique have improved...I get seperate colonies now...but I'm still not satisfied.............I can definately do better.....opps........my prac test is coming up..what to do??? I can't sneak into the lab to practise can I? Sigh........Oh, I hate it when some of my classmates makes so much noise in the lab and start playing games....yes...playing games in the lab................don't they know that we are dealing with bacteria??? Not that I am black hearted...but I do wish that they inhale some of the yummy bacteria while playing...that will teach them a lesson.....hmm..what should they inhale???? How about Bordetella pertusis??? MUHAHHAHAHAHA...................................

2007-06-01T03:49:00.001-07:00

I feel horrible. I hate this feeling when U have been defeated by someone........I become suicidal.........I simply hate this.....

2007-05-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

Sigh...why do I have to write reports after reports every week? I have a new one to do every week....sigh. I hate doing reports.
I kinda miss playing the euphonium suddenly...that is the only instrument I can say I know how to play. Sigh...I like playing the instrument but I hate the commitment when it is associated with a band. So I must as well quit playing it altogether.
I'm off to do my report on gonorrhea. Stupid people just can't keep their legs closed or sth....now we students have to study it cos this is a very common STD.........how I wish gonorrhea is sth that is painful like Haemophilus ducreyi infection, which is another STD....Bloody hell.....I hate studying STDs.....only dirty and promiscuous people get it.

YOU CAN"T BREAK ME DOWN

2007-05-20T03:00:00.000-07:00

I just found a strand of white hair on me last week. Darn...I never had whit hair and I'm only 20....am I too stressed? Perhaps. I've been losing lots of hair..but it doesn't bother me cos I have thick hair. The modules I'm taking this semester are challenging. More stuff on DNA and stuff....DNA fingerprinting...genetic engineering....and what have you...

Alright, I just have to constantly remind myself, I'm here to get back what I deserve and I don't care what others will think of me. I create stress for them? Well so be it! I don't give a fucking damn...Talk crap about me? Go ahead! I'm still getting my As while you can pre-occupy yourself with evil thoughts for all I care. I don't lose anything while you lose everything. You can't break me down, you fool!

random thoughts

2007-05-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to the mrt station today when somebody gave me a bible...weird but I read it anyway on the mrt. I did not understand a thing, but anyways...I will just keep it in my bag ....to ward away ghosts.....

Anyways...I'm disappointed to hear that my jc's band got silver this time...well....my batch got gold...so its disappointing. I remembered the piece we played for syf...i remembered myself painstakingly wrote every sharp and flat and how many cents sharp /flat on top of every single note. Heh...I was stupid....didn't really serve any purpose except to make my score more dirty. Whatever...I'm done with band and all that nonsense. Enough is enough.

Today I 'played' with some STD bacteria in the lab...I viewed real patient specimens under the microscope. The specimens are discharge from the male and female reproductive organs due to STD infection. Interesting view under the microscope but it is kind of gross when u come to think of it as viewing pus from the penis under the microscope.

smoking idiots

2007-05-04T01:53:00.000-07:00

I just simply hate my every morning rush to the MRT station. I use the overhead bridge everyday on my way carrying my books and stuff...by the time I reach the top of the bridge I would be panting due to my rushing and heavy load. Then there will always be some idiot (usually men) happily puffing away on his cigarette in front of me. That abnoxious smoke makes me choke and nearly vomit out all the breakfast I just ate. I'll always have to wait till that idiot had gone a distance before I continue my way. That pisses me off as I will be slightly late due to that bloody smoker.
I don't understand what is so nice about smoking. TO me the rubbish dump is smelly but if it were to be compared with tobacco smoke, it would smell so much sweeter. If smokers like tobacco so much, why not eat tobacco leaves like salad. Or best still, just eat the whole bloody cigarette! If tobacco were to taste so nice, then why do manufacturers have to come out with strawberry or orange flavour cigarettes? Or why add menthol to it. I just simply don't know why people like smoking so much. It smells worse than poo and I can never imagine sucking onto something that smells worse than poo.

GOD

2007-04-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was doing some research on the lac operon just now and found this great quotation from Jacques Monod who discovered the lac operon together with Francois Jacob. He supposingly said this

'A scientist who believes in god suffers from schizophrenia'.

Okay, I don't know how true this is but I must say I totally agree with him. I aspire to be a scientist one day and that is why I'm studying genetics in the first place. I don't believe in god. I seriously cannot stand it when people come and try to evangelize me.

2007-04-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

I've been reading up on the lac operon these days and I must say its such a great system. I will be learning that in my genetics module during mid semester so I better read up on it first. I love genetics. It is so fasinating...everything's so organised and complicated at the same time. No man can ever design such a system in my opinion

2007-04-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

Hehe...yesterday was free cone day at ben and jerry's. Since my class was released early and we have a 5 hour break after that we went down to Raffles City after our lesson to get free ice creams...and we were the first!.... Damn...I was photographed...anyways that was the first time I had ben and jerry's ice cream...I decided to go for the chocolate cookie dough flavour cos it sounds wacky and out of this world...I mean who will think of putting cookie dough into ice cream? Oh...it tasted heavenly and I finished my cone the fastest.....Geezz...I'm expert at eating ice creams...my braces are not bothering me at all and I don't have sensitive teeth.

2007-04-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

This semester I will be more 'aggressive' then ever. I'm going to get what I want. I don't care if I have to lock myself up in a small room to study for long hours or whatsoever. Whatever it takes, I will do it. Since day 1 I have planned what I will do this semester to attain my goal. Its so near I can almost taste it. The sweet taste of success that I have been yearning for so long. Its mine and I'm going to grab it.

School again.

2007-04-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

School repoens tomorrow and I'm happy. This semester I will be more organised. I will plan what to study each day instead of randomly picking like what I did last 2 sems. I ended up studying modules I like and ignored those I dislike. I'm prepared to stay in the school library longer each day after school. Best if I can stay on to study till 9pm when the library closes. I'm going to fine tune my study techniques to best suit this flawed education system.
After I graduate, I wanna go learn computer programming ... I hate it when I always get bullied by my brother whenever this darn PC spoils and I know nothing about computers...well not that he knows alot but he just like to be bossy and use this opportunity to order me around. Darn that MCP. I will master the computer some day and it will be his turn to look for me for help.....darn that smart alec...knows nothing but yet pretends to know alot..............................

2007-04-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

One of my faourite musicians of all time is David Lanz. I like his pieces very much esp Christofori's Dream. I like the part where it climaxes and he hits the bass note hard...I don't know what note that is as usual but I love that note in particular. It screams loads of emotion at the point. Everytime I listen to that piece I feel at ease...I can't descibe really what that feeling is but it felt calming. I would recommend this piece to anyone who is feeling down...I know that piece sounds sad but it also has a calming effect. :)

2007-04-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

I have to change my lifestyle asap. I'm miserable right now. I can't get along with my brother. I believe its my fault. But then, what can I do? I'm the world's lousiest sister. I need a crash course on how to please one's brother. Damn it man....I'm seriously sick and tired of him hollering at me. I'm at fault at times too. I admit...sometimes I do like to mock at his atrocious english...his love of using bombastic words without knowing the meaning of them can be very amusing at times.
I feel the whole world is so dry. I feel damn lousy. I just feel suicidal. I need to see my psychiatrist, but then everytime I have an appointment with him, I don't know how to describe what I feel. My tears have long run dry. I find it very difficult to cry. All the sorrow just bottles up inside me and sometimes I really do need a good cry to let it all out but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have lost the ability to cry.
I ask myself why so much sorrow within me? I can't answer that. I don't know. Perhaps its due to the numerous failures I had gone through and it doesn't help having your own brother mocking at your failures every now and then. I need help. I seriously feel I need to revert back to my old dosage of anti-depressant. I hate being on this planet. I hate to even exist.

2007-04-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

Still thinking whether should I attend this sat's celebration or whatever they call it. I hate to be reminded of band. Just every single thing about it spoils my mood now. Well, actually its more of because I don't wanna see a few people there. Those that gave me hell when I was section leader. Well, I know my music theory is not in par with their's but....well...thats history. Lets not dwell into it.
I pretty excited about being able to have a year's attatchment at the national heart centre. I love the hospital environment. I worked in a office before and I am definately not into that type of environment.
Alright...I think I have made up my mind. I shall not go for the bbq this sat. I don't wanna put myself in an awkard situation. I just don't belong in that gang so why should I go? I would rather go catch a movie.

2007-03-28T02:52:00.000-07:00

Concert is OVER! Yipee! Finally.I shall not touch that instrument anymore. Gives me bad luck, thou shall shun away from it. Ohh, I just checked out what modules I'll be taking next semester. Good news and bad news. I will be taking genetics next sem which I like...unfortournately...I will be having that dreadful monsteress teaching me again. GODAMNIT. That boring teacher...no sense of humour...so dead serious and fearsome. Oh, so what she has PhD? Hmm..perhaps that explains why she's so like that. Thou shall think ten times before asking her a question or else I will get scolded for asking the 'wrong questions.' However one thing I like about her is she repeats pass year questions during exams...so I shall dig the library exam archives.
Urgh, I hate studying. May time pass faster and let me graduate asap. God damn it...this place stinks for me...cos I just hate memorising facts after facts just for exams sake.

moods

2007-03-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

I feel moody these days...just feel really very unhappy. Is it because of the medication again? I was told to half my dosage. I don't know. I wished I never started on those medication. Its like heroin. But then I had no choice back then...and the root cause of it all......stress from the band. I took things too seriously. Maybe I should have think of things this way. Whatever the performance is like, I don't care as long as I did my part the best that I could. If I couldn't sell any ticket then that is it...why should I worry. Sounds irresponsible I know, but this was what I could have done to prevent myself from sinking into deep depression. Maybe I should not have joined the band in the first place. I just am not suited for it, but how am I to know that when I was only 12 years old back then. Well, whatever the case, what has happened is the past. Shall look forward. After tomorrow's performance, I will never ever step into any band room, touch any instrument , read any score and attend any band concert ever again. I just want to distant myself away from it. Bad stuff.

Realise

2007-03-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

I realised now how much I hate band. I was always under the illusion that I love it, but the truth is, I'm so stressed by it and thats the reason why I got my illness. No more concerts for me anymore. I won't touch the instrument anymore. I hate it. I really do. I've been lying to myself all this while, and now I will and can concentrate on what I enjoy most.

Ramblings

2007-03-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

I accumulated a total of 10 As, 2 Bs and 2 B+s this academic year, something I had never done before. If I continue like this, I should be able to get at least 30 As by the time a graduate. Damn am I hungey for As......I will give up my life for that. I suffered so much in that darn college...made me sooo bloody damn hungry for As. The only A I got back then was for chinese. Fuck.
My friend said I'm fat. But I don't really give a damn about it. My BMI is acceptable and I'm of acceptable weight. SO I"M HEALTHY. If I'm healthy I don't see the need for me to be so concerned about my weight. I have not fell sick for more than a year...I prefer it like this then to starve to death like some models...whats the use man...To me the ideal figure is something like Nigella Lawson's. Thats a real woman's figure not some stick insect.

2007-03-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

I am sick of band. I dun wanna play in a concert band anymore after this concert. I'm just sick of it...

2007-03-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

I wanna change my blogskin soon. I hate this current one. I want to change it to something positive. I'm on my road to recovery and will definately stop my medication soon and never touch those capsules and pills ever again.

Band music

2007-03-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

I hate japanese animae band pieces. They all sound so cheesy and predictable. Boring crap. I typed 'Howl's moving castle' into youtube and I found a band playing it. I can't listen to it anymore after 2 minutes. I hate that piece and the playing. How I wish that was not part of what we are supposed to play this coming concert. :(
I just hate japanese animae songs. I can accept disney songs but not japanese ones. I don't quite like animae pieces actually. I prefer 'fierce', 'angry' and loud pieces like firestorm, fate of the gods and so on...I miss playing pieces by Robert W Smith. One of my favourite composers.

Miserere

2007-03-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to a very old piece of music called Miserere Mei, Deus. I liked it very mush...it sounded so beautiful. I understand it is some church music and I am a free thinker. I don't understand anything sung but I still enjoyed it very much. I never liked choir pieces till I heard this. Well, to date this is the only choir piece i enjoy listening to. My favourite part is when the singers reach the high note that really stood out from the piece....I don't know what note was that but from my research it was a high C? Hehe...I'm lousy in music theory stuff.

2007-03-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

I regret going back to my alta mater. Brings back bad memories. Stuff I don't wish to look back at. But what can I do? I have commitments to fufill...I won't go back after this concert. I despise that place. I was at the lowest point of my education journey. I made so many mistakes...and the biggest one being....to ever go there in the first place. But I must say I learnt many lessons there...lessons from my mistakes. Most importantly, I discovered tons of ways to not achieving As for exams. I also realised how much 'red tape' I had to go through to fufill my dream and that whole journey only made me more sure that this is where I want to head towards to. There are pros and cons and whenever I step into the building I only see flashbacks of my cons which is no surprise because the pros I got from there are all generated from the cons.
I just visited my doctor yesterday and he said I'm coping well. This is the 'don't know what time' he mentioned wanting to stop my medication. Its hard for me cos I've tried to stop so many times. I get the side effects that affects my mood badly and make me not able to concentrate on my studies. He suggested me to try stopping the medication during my job attatchment but I will definately refuse that cos thats the most important period of my stay here in this education institution. It really is during this period where I can strive of the prized scholarship I want so badly. I deserve that and I knew it very well. No one is going to stop me from getting that. In fact, I'm willing to pop more pills if necessary when the time gets tough. I will do whatever I can to supress my illness to get whatever I want. Of course I won't do illegal drugs. I'll just request for more transquilisers and sleeping pills from my doctor. I will get them legitimately.

Somewhere I belong

2007-03-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

Below are the lyrics to the song 'Somewhere I belong' by Linkin Park. I remember seeing myself as the person in this set of lyrics about a year ago. I decided then to turn all my anguish and hatred to the strong motivation I have now to strive for nothing but the best. Today I still listen to this song frequently. I was really confused then....totally ... and in that state of total confusion suicide seemed to be the only answer...but I believed I'm not such a weakling...so weak as to give in to such pressure. As the saying goes, when the tough gets going, the tough gets tougher. Now I have even bigger dreams and all these dreams are within such close reach...I have no regrets.

Linkin Park: Somewhere I belong

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal,
I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal,
I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal,
I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Results

2007-03-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Results are out. I got what I wanted. GPA 3.896 this time round...cumulative GPA 3.798 plus....I got 2 distinctions! Oh...the most dreaded module biophysics I got a B+ which was good cos I never liked physics and I still don't like it. But weird thing is....I got distinctions for modules I never thought I would. One of them was an english one....hmmm...perhaps my essay on prematrital sex was good...hey...sex is my favourite topic anyways....I love to write about sex despite me being totally inexperienced in that area.

Random thoughts

2007-03-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

Heck...getting my results back tomorrow. Fingers crossed....hope my gpa goes up up up! :D I'm aiming for a 3.8 this time...and I hope that if it drops (touch wood), it won't get below 3.5 ...HEY I put in double the effort i put in last sem...so by right should improve...well...please....may my gpa go up.........I swear i will double the effort i put in my studies next sem regardless of whether my gpa rises or not......I gave up my 'love'...(thats band life) for studies...I'm really resisting hard from the temptation to join the band....... well...... I learnt my lesson twice the hard way....so better not let it happen again....so far so good.

Braces

2007-03-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

Just visited my dentist a few days back to tighten my braces. Now I'm in pain...I can hardly chew cos she put 'reinforecement bands' ( i dunno the actual terms) all over my upper set of teeth. Sometimes I can even feel some of my upper teeth becoming a bit shaky...I was told not to worry cos its just the teeth moving into its correct position and will firm up eventually.
Last time I only had one such 'reinforcement band' and it hurt real bad. Now I have a whole set!...Wonderful! Seriously, I prefer surgery pain than dental pain. At least surgery pain goes away after a week or so...but as for braces...they are really torturous...I wonder how am I going to play my instrument with so many 'reinforcement bands' on....one was okay but I didn't know she's going to insert so many this time. Well, I have a high treshold for physical pain...and I'm sure after a few days I will get used to it.

Pop music singers suck except for a handful

2007-02-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

When i listen to pop songs I only prefer listening to those that feature singers with powerful vocals and range like Celine , Whitney and Mariah. I can't stand those songs that feature saccharine sweet little girl vocals like Britney, lindsay and the list goes on. The only latest singer I see having real vocal power is Christina Aguilera. I like singers with big voices cos their songs scream power and emotion...unlike those by Britney and gang...so lethargic and effortless. Take off the music accompanying the singing, and the songs sounds like any other song sung one of the many American Idol audition rejects. When I turn on the radio, I'm disappointed to hear these young talentless singers rule the airways. Heck........

New year dread.

2007-02-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

I hate going visiting during chinese new year. I don't give a damn about the red packets. In fact I haven even opened a single one of them yet. They are still in my handbag. Heck it. What I really hate is when my relatives start asking me whether I have a boyfriend. Why? Why don't they ask my brother does he have a girlfriend? It seems to me it is more important for girls to have boyfriend than it is for boys to have girlfriends. Heck. I'm single and not available. Come on...I'm officially not even an adult yet and I'm supposed to be attatched and I guess when I finally am an adult I should be married with kids? What is this shit?

BLOODy HOTA. Now I have to make an effort to opt out.

2007-02-14T01:57:00.000-08:00

After my birthday this year which is at october I will be 21.
This means that I will be part of the 'eligible pool' of people under Singapore's organ transplant act. This means that if I die for whatever reason....my cornea, kidneys, heart, liver will be taken and given to someone else. I don't like the idea of removing my organs without my permission. I mean I will definately haunt whoever that receives my organ. So to avoid me having to do that, I have long decided that I will fill in my opt out form which I will obtain from polyclinics. I hate this scheme, call me selfish or whatever, I just don't like the fact about my organs being removed. I mean its one's responsibility to take good care of one's organs. If someone had liver failure due to excessive alcohol consumption, he or she deserves the suffering and impending death. Thats my thinking. Similarly that applies for me. Thats why I don't drink anymore. Frankly speaking I hate the taste of alcohol. I take good care of my health and therefore have healthy organs. So if I happen to die in an accident or whatsoever (touch wood), why should someone else who neglects his/her health get my healthy organs...those organs are the result of me taking very good care of my health by regulating what I consume. Damn...no way. Those organs are mine. I'm no saint and neither am I a devil. I'm just being me... I just am not the kind who is so very generous. I can be generous but not to the extend of giving my organs. I call that scheme 'forced organ donation scheme.'

DAMN it...Fucking education system. TO hell with U!

2007-02-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Ins't it nice to be born into a rich family or be a celebrity? No need to study that hard and most importantly...no need to get those As.
I don't understand why. I work so hard for every exam and when I get As I don't feel happy at all. Now I wonder wnat makes me happy? It seems to me that getting As is a necessity and not a joy. I'm miserable. I HATE the rat race. I hate it to the core. Bloody hell.

I miss band

2007-01-30T03:55:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to firestorm by stephen bulla now and I must say I like that piece. One of my favourites. I really enjoyed playing that piece for bandfest a few years back. Its so exciting...well...minus the middle part where it starts to slow down. Luckily for that performance, the conductor cancelled that whole 'crap' ... so the whole piece was shortened and exciting from start to end. My favourite part of the piece is the running notes. Hehe...fun to play that with a huge eupho section cos the sound effect is great. If its just a like two players...it won't be that nice to me. I love playing in a big section. That way someone can 'cover up' the notes I missed and I can do that for other players as well. A big section also allows more ways to 'cheat'. Hehehe........

Exams..feeling cool and calm

2007-01-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

Today exam starts.
Start of the week and a half marathon.
After that shall hibernate....for the weekends
Then start looking for a job.
Plus practise for my up coming concert.
Ooohhh and I'm looking for the culinary lesson I signed up for.
Hehe...will be doing Italian food....in the LAB! Ok...shd I wear a lab coat or an apron? seeshhh...this is strange, cooking in a lab? First time for me. Looking forward to it...

Practice makes perfect

2007-01-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Just back from my alumni band prac. I can still play with braces on. Need loads of practice....will do that.

WHY

2007-01-19T01:53:00.000-08:00

Recieved double good news yesterday. Should be feeling happy, but I feel nothing. Really..such things really dun make me happy anymore.
So the good news was I topped my class for the chemistry test and biochemistry test. Hmm...but so? I can't seem to feel any tinge of happiness within me. Maybe I've done so many tests and exams in my life that I become numb to them.
Later alumni band prac is on. Conductor ish conducting and I still haven decided whether I should go or not. Its been a long while since I last touched my instru. Sigh............

Utter bullshit

2007-01-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

I was told to be a girl I have to
1) Like make-up
2) Read beauty magazines( U noe the thick ones)
3) Enjoy doing manicure, pedicure and whatever cure u have
4) be obsessed with the latest fashion...U noe what to wear to appear hip and so on.....
5) enjoy dolling oneself up everyday
Well, I lack all of the above and does that make me not a female?
I was given a few beauty magazines to study. Those magazines are so boring...pages full of glossy pics of digitally enhanced painted faces and I was told to observe the way the dress and their make-up whatsoever.
U think I'm so free and ' bo liao'? Why should I care about those digital photos? Unless I aspire to be a some IT personel speciallising in digitally enhancing photos , why should I care? Even so, I would be observing what they did to the photos and not what the 'zombies' are wearing.
So does that make me a non-female? Why? Even my mom believes that crap and starts worrying why am I not interested and why am I so 'boyish'. Heck...I would say the above defination applies only for those women with a shallow mind and their only purpose in life is to look pretty so as to attract males. Isn't that so? Heck it. I just hate the idea of wasting time and money on such stupid stuff. I would rather save them on buying some quality textbooks that will have increase my knowledge. After all, to me it is more impressive to have a PhD than to look like a vase...pretty on the outside but empty on the inside.

Statistics

2006-12-22T23:53:00.001-08:00

I have zero motivation to do my studying today and I just don't know why. Perhaps its because what I'm learning now really bores me to death. I have had enough of statistics and now I need to face them again. B.O.R.I.N.G.! Even one gallon of coffee will not give me motivation ( Coffee usually motivates me ) this time. Facing these stacks of papers and reading those statistic questions remind me of my dear maths teacher OBS. Haiz...really no one else can beat OBS at teaching mathematics. She's the best so far. Others just bore me to death. Neh...and that includes my current maths teacher...but well to be honest my current teacher is good but its just that she's too long-winded for me. Just get straight to the point like OBS. Argh...maths...I can never escape statistics can I? Well, lucky for me, I'm not studying engineering. That would be ten times worse. I can't stand two hours maths lectures without any breaks in between and I don't wish to have any more 3 hour maths papers anymore! Those 3 hour papers really tests one's brain stamina. Yikes! I remembered the very first time I sat for such a paper. Oh man...I felt like just jumping out of the window half way. Of course I failed badly for that paper...but so did everyone else! :D

Statistics

2006-12-22T23:53:00.000-08:00

Human dissection

2006-12-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back, I saw an dissection video ... on real human... and on a specific part- the reproductive organs. Very informative. But I was a bit taken aback when the video first started because the image of a penis appeared close-up and then the dissection begins. I find the human anatomy amazing. Now I understand why an enlargement of the prostate gland causes so much trouble for the male. Oh man...I'm lucky to be a girl ain't I? At least I don't have that problematic organ. Well, very informative and educational video since all the graphics seen were real. Definately not for the faint hearted especially for males cos at one point of the video, the penis was dissected transversely to show the tissues in them, it was exactly like what was drawn in all anatomy textbooks. I always have doubts about the accuracy of the drawings of the human reproductive organs in books. The first time I got an idea of how a human penis looked like was from the drawings in my biology textbooks. This time I get to see the real thing in the dissection video. I even got a chance to see the inside and cross-section of the human penis. Interesting. Now I know it 'inside-out'. I bet not everyone gets a chance to view the inside and cross-section of a real human penis. I have deep respect for whoever that person was who donated his body to science and allowed such dissection to be done on his private parts after he died. Deep respect.

2006-12-16T01:39:00.000-08:00

Exilia - Can't break me down

My type of music! Man...her voice is so powerful and sexy! I like the roughness in her voice.

Holidays coming!

2006-12-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

ah...3 weeks hols. Better plan my time well... I wanna score better than last sem. I'm very focused now. I know what I want and I will get it. No one can stop me this time and I'm not letting anyone or anything get in my way this time. I won't get myself involved in too much commitment stuff this time....lesson learnt. All that leadership positions won't get you far unless you have the necessary grades to accompany them. Well, I'll play smart this time. I'm holding a leadership position now, but this one's not as hectic and demanding as the other one. Shall be on the look out 4 more such 'goodies'.
heh...enough said. Later I'm going swimming with my best pal. :) Looking forward to that. We have loads of catching up to do....haha...and I think I need to burn off some fat. I wanna look good for my 'job interview' assesment when school reopens. Oh...and that means I better go and buy some make-up( I have none currently)...and practise wearing my heels. Its such a pain being a girl. There's so much grooming stuff to do. Guys get it easy all the time. But whatever...I guess I shall have to learn to enjoy grooming myself. Sigh...I really don't like having make-up on. Its like everytime I go to the wash room to refresh myself and I suddenly remember I have make up on and I can't splash water onto my face. Its like I'm wearing this layer of 'mask' over my real face. But never mind, I shall learn to get used to it. After all I'm on my way to become a lady and I'm no longer a girl and I no longer have the privilage to go out with 'bedroom' face and my hair tied up into a ponytail using rubber bands. Time to learn how to dress up and make myself look presentable.

2006-12-15T05:58:00.000-08:00

Dumb norwegian blond

Hahahaha...I might not be good at computers but at least I'm not as dumb as she...damn...even my mother knows the difference between the 'box' and the computer screen.

To someone "special"

2006-12-13T05:37:00.000-08:00

I come here with one goal in mind. That is to get back what I deserve with 'interest'. You can waste time hating me for all I care. I just continue to do my thing. In the end, its YOU who is on the losing end. Continue to come up with consipracies against me for all I care ... I dun give a damn to childish people like YOU. Just some advise: Get A Life!

2006-12-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

NO MORE DRAMA

I love this video. Makes me feel stronger to face my own issues whenever I hear this song.

2006-12-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

Keiko Matsui - Safari

sexiest song I've ever heard. Who's tat sax player? Made me wanna learn the sax as well...

2006-12-03T04:47:00.000-08:00

Bridge over the stars-live Cafe Concert

Another great jazz piece. Enjoy.

woodbrook

2006-12-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

Mícheal O Suilleabhain - Woodbrook
Nice piece of music. My current fav. piece of music. Written by an irish composer.

2006-12-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Ode to my family

I grew up listening to this song wishing I had such a voice

Updates

2006-12-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Recently I heard a piece of music featuring Glissando played on the flute. That reminds me of some music theory...I can't recall what was the musical term for that at that moment when I heard that Glissando played... I only recall its something called 'Gliz'. I enjoy doing that on my euphonium. Its so fun...I just anyhow press any valve very fast and change my embrochure...ususally works... I just have to focus on the lowest note and the highest note required. In between, I play 'bullshit'. Always turns up fine. However, I seldom get to do that cos I seldom see that written on my scores. :( So I like to take trombone scores and play them sometimes....
Anyways, my first anatomy and physiology test turned up fine. Scores 90%. Relatively simple test. I lost 2 marks for my essay question for not memtioning .... of all things....the mammary glands...ie, boobs. Sigh....never mind. I wouldn't have thought of it anyway. At least I remembered everything else. Tough to study for such subjects cos U have to study and memorise so much but in the end only about 20% of what was taught will be asked cos there's too much information. Its like trying to strike 4D where the best way to ensure myself into getting the top prize is to buy all the numbers available.

Life Journey

2006-11-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to music by Eric Chiryoku now. My favourite track is Life Journey. Very melodic...he's a great composer. I like his music very much.
Anyways, just received a commentary certificate for my 'outstanding performance' last semester. It is so ironic. Not too long ago, I was consider a teacher's pest for being a lousy student and now I'm 'prized'. It seems that a student's worth to an education institiution is determined by one's academic ability. Sad but it is true. I don't feel happy at all upon receiving that cert. I feel nothing. Its kind of like a business deal between me and the education insitution. I will study hard to get good grades and bring glory to your institution and in return for my hard work, you give me a good testimonial plus a good education certificate.
Isn't that how things work? I was considered trash in my previous institution simply due to my inability to get good grades so as to bring glory to the institution. Everything's so superficial.
I guess they give me that cert so as to kind of get me into continuing getting good grades so as to bring glory to the institution. I will study harder definately but not for the institution's sake. It is for MY sake.

BIOPHYSICs

2006-11-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

what to do when u have to study a something thats a combination of sth u hate and love? Biology..my fav subject and physics the sub I hate the most. Combine them together and u got BIOPHYSICS! Bleh...my first biophy test...yes....spent countless hours studying for it. Turns out well.... Got an A! Yesh! The first time I get an A for something having to do with physics....:D

Weird nightmare

2006-11-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Studying anatomy is such a chore. So much information...strange terms...and whatsoever. It really challenges my brain space. How to pack so much info into my limited brain space? Practicals are worse...its more of Q and A session. I don't get to see any slides....what the hell....its more like tutorial. I don't get to do dissection...don't get to see histological slides...I mean thats what I look forward to when I found out that I've got an anatomy module this sem. Disappointing.
Nothing much happened recently. Oh....I just had a nightmare yesterday. Weird one. I dreamt that I was on stage performing with the band and suddenly I realised my scores are written using treble cleft. I can only read bass cleft sadly...heh...panic lah...what else...fake through the whole performance loh...hehe..what an interesting nightmare... wahahha....that reminds me of a time where I was playing some piece called Symphonic overture during one practise....fine...everything in bass cleft...no problem. Suddenly towards the end, change liao...changed to something called tenor cleft. Die....then suddenly change back to bass then tenor...I was like WTF loh...panic...got lost....ha...whatever. After the prac, I scribbled all the notes in bass cleft above the tenor phrases. What the hell sia, I cannot understand why they have to change here change there...just write everything in bass cleft can? I guess they have some stupid music rules to follow which I don't think I can ever appreciate. Ha....what a music idiot I am.

2006-11-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix)

I like this video. Its reflective of what the singapore's education system is like and I"M IN THE RACE. Well, losers get laughed at and there's so many obstacles to win. So see it for yourself.

Morning coffee

2006-11-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Mornings are great when you don't have to prepare for school. I like to enjoy my cup of coffee( I know...I'm supposed to quit but then....) and read the daily celebrity gossips in the newspapers. Recently I attended a talk on job interviews and one question they might ask is 'What motivates you when you wake up.' For me, it would be coffee and newspapers.
I just tightened my braces a few days ago and they still hurt a little. I've been surviving on porridge since my last visit to my orthodontist. Sigh, I'm sick of it really but what to do? These are the sacifices I have to make in order to attain a perfect smile. My teeth gaps are closing up alot and I'm happy about it. So what if it hurts, I have a high treshold for physical pain. :) I know I always boast about this...but its true...I managed to tolerate the pain without taking any painkillers after a nerve operation a few years back. It hurt like hell but then I was adamant about not touching any of the pile of painkillers prescribed to me. I wanna test my endurance level.

Bus memories

2006-11-07T00:24:00.000-08:00

I had to take the bus to sch everyday when I was in secondary school and college. I used to have frequent nightmares about a scenario where I try to flag down a bus and the bus just won't stop and when it finally does at about a few metres away from the bus stop, I rush to the door but it just refuse to open and off to goes. Then I saw another bus service behind where I can take. Same thing happens. Then a next one but the bus was too crowded and the bus just refuse to stop. Well this might be a nightmare but it actually do happen to me very often then. It was a mad morning rush. I can be 30 minutes earlier at the bus stop and I can't board any bus. It was very nerve wrecking for me. I hate the bus service here and yet they have the cheek to raise the bus fare.
I really am jealous of those people whose parents drive them to school daily. They never experienced such trauma before. You think its easy to balance yourself in a crowded bus with one arm holding books and another trying to get a tight grip of the handle that is out of your reach? It takes skill man. I actually prefer standing at the doorsteps inside a crowded bus. I get more space that way. Sigh....luckily nowadays the buses have doors. My dad told me that during his time the buses have no doors and he have to stand at the stairs in a crowded bus on his way to school. I guess I'm luckier. But then, I really hate rainy days. The bus purposely stops metres before or after the bus stop and I will have to run in the rain to reach the bus and I get all soaked by the time I reach school. And when I reach school I see those spoilt brats having their parents driving them up to the school's foyer in a mercedes. I really hate those people. The so called 'rich brats'.

2006-11-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

Christina Aguilera - Hurt

This song is so sad, that it actually moved a 'cold stone' like me. Oh damn it, it actually made me shed a couple of tears. Anyways, great song

2006-11-06T01:27:00.000-08:00

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (Acoustic)

My favourite singer. Great lung power. I love it.

Announcement

2006-11-05T04:45:00.000-08:00

Just fixed my tagbox and changed my blogskin. I will ban all anons on my new tagbox.

Random thoughts

2006-11-05T03:06:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to learn the piano ever since I was in kindergarten. I passed by the house of my neighbour and I heard beautiful sounds. I wonder what that was and when I found out it the sounds were produced by a piano I wanted very much to learn it.
I've never got a chance to learn it though. The only instrument I consider myself as being able to play is the euphonium. Nope, I don't consider myself as being able to play the recorder. I hate the sound of the recorder so I didn't bother to really learn and practise it when I was taught in school. Instead, I bothered to put in effort in learning the euphonium cos I love the sound it can produce. Its so smooth and unlike the trombone or trumpet, it is not that brassy.
Well, I really do wish to learn the piano next and I want to learn how to play the original version , ie, the long version of Marching Season by Yanni. It sounds challenging to me. I kinda have a feeling that learning the piano should be easier than learning the euphonium. At least I woudn't have to practise my breathing techniques do I? Most importantly, I will not need to hurt my lips. I remember the days where I have bleeding lips when I first learned and practised playing high notes when I was 13. Well, I dare not cry in front of my conductor then. Instead I hid in the toliet. heheh...that was history. I don't have that problem anymore. I've realised that I don't need to force so hard on my lips. All I need is 'faster air'.

Just get me into accelerating mode.

2006-10-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wish there is an accelerator button in life for me to step on. Everything is moving too slow now. I just want to get done with all these shit in my life now. My tests are coming now...I can't blog for these coming few weeks. I know every student out there would have met such 'people'. You know...the A students. Always top the class for every subject. Gets loads of cca points....always the favourite student amongst the teachers....and as for me...I'm just one of the 'slugs' where the teachers want to get rid of. That was when I was in sec sch. I was in the top class but within the class I was the bottom few. The teachers are only concerned about their pay bonus for producing good results. I was struggling and was 'well hated' by the teachers for pulling the class grades down. I was so stressed up with my studies and yet was shunned by the teacher...they only prefer to 'help' the smart ones. My mental health just worsened...I tried committing suicide numerous times...and ended up in the hospital. Even then....those teachers never visited me in the hospital.
Thats the reality of the education system in my country. Welcome. The strong gets stronger while the weak gets weaker. The education ministers try very hard to paint a nice picture of the education system here for foreigners to see...but thats all just a fake facade. They only interview the A students for publicity. Did they ever interview people like me?

Birthday?

2006-10-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's my Birthday and I'll be having lessons from 8am to 5.30pm with just a lunch break in between. Sucks man...:( I'm going to spend my birthday having lessons all day long...and I'll be learning stuff I've already mastered long time ago. :(

Cowards

2006-10-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

I just simply hate those people who like to call themselves anon and write disgusting comments there. These people have the guts to say nasty comments but have no guts to identify themselves. What cowards. I'm writing this because I cannot stand such childish behaviour. Such people have been attacking blogs of my friends and mine which really is very fustrating to look at. The tag boxes are meant for interaction between the blogger and his/her friends and maybe some passer-bys who would like to give some advise and not for anonymous cowards to vandalise. As I said earlier, since they have the guts to vandalise...why don't they have the guts to identify themselves? They are like rats and roaches...have the guts to steal food but scatter away once they see the owner. But at least the rats and roaches have reasons to steal food, after all they need it for survival. So does that apply to such cowards...well...the answer is yes. They have the need to vandalise other people's tag boxes in order to survive and thats their sole survival reason which sadly to say pretty much reflects their lives. Enough said. This is the last time I will be replying to comments by such cowards and may this be my final tribute to those cowards out there. Rest in peace.

Tag box problems

2006-10-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

I'm currently having some problems with my tag box. Will 'install' a new one, but I've been busy lately. Will do it when I am done with all my projects.

Chocolates and Crockroaches

2006-10-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

During my biochemistry lecture yesterday, Dr E said that there is a similarity between crockroaches and chocolates. That is because the type of suger in chocolates and roaches is the same, i.e. , trehalose. People use trehalose to make chocolates because they do not brown upon heating unlike table sugar, surose. Interesting. Humans use glucose as energy source and roaches use trehalose. So, since chocolates contain crockroach sugar, they should taste like crockroaches and vice versa right? Hmm...so now I know why people in Thailand like to eat fried roaches....and thats because they taste like chocolate? Er....thats my prostulation. I don't dare to try crockroaches. But I definately do eat chocolates. So next time you eat chocolates, think of our dear friend, the crockroach. :D

2006-10-12T05:26:00.000-07:00

Robert Miles - Paths

I love this video. Nice song. Very creative and unique. Definately my type of music video

I miss band

2006-10-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

I miss being part of the tpjc concert band. I miss the feel. Most importantly I missed being 'fined' $xxxxx for ....1) answeing a qns wrongly or not answering at all . 2) playing out of tune 3) play wrong notes, rhythm and whatever...and the list goes on. I've been fined countless times and the truth is I never paid up at all. Not even once. Well....the treasurer didn't collect from me...so why shd i be so 'stupid' to pay up myself...hahahhaha. Oh, and i miss the scoldings as well...i dunno why but I just kinda miss it. Weird. Of all things I miss about the band, I miss the scoldings and the fine. Hmm.....neh...I was not scared not even once when i got scolded or fined. I'm immune to such things. Heh. Just look innocent and U will get away with it most of the time. :D

2006-10-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

Robert Miles - Fable [1996]

Another one of my favourites back then when I'm still in primary school. Back then I was kinda weird. I didn't like spice girls or BSB. In fact i loathe them. Instead I listen to classical music radio 92.4fm, trance music by robert miles and some kitaro. Weird combi. But that was me

October

2006-10-07T02:08:00.000-07:00

October! My fav mth. My bday mth!

2006-10-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Robert Miles - Children [1996]

This song gives me a very dreamy feeling when ever i hear it. I first heard it when I was about 9 years old and I immediately feel connected to it some how which is very creepy. But anyways I love it.

2006-10-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

KITARO - Matsuri

I've been listening to Kitaro since I was in primary school. I admire his talent.

happy deed

2006-10-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm happy today cos I made someone happy. Well, I was just having my cup of coffee at Mc Donalds today and I felt bored. So I took out a small piece of scrap paper and start folding a Kawasaki Rose. There is this middle aged auntie standing in front of me waiting to clear my table when I'm done. So After finishing my coffee, I just gave the rose to her. And I was a bit surprised that she became so happy cos of that. Hmm...its just a paper rose...means nothing to me...but to her it is something fascinating. She said it was very beautiful. Well, that made my day.

My brother the NATO

2006-10-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

My brother is a NATO. He always thinks his thinking and reasoning is right and is the best. He looks down on other's reasoning and refuses to admit his flaws. He hates to hear negative feedback about him and will go all out to argue his way through even if his arguement makes no sense. He insists on forcing his ideas onto everyone that disagrees with him. It is no wonder that he never feels content and can never be sastified with any job. He keeps on picking up flaws of others and yet can never see his own flaws. He thinks others are very difficult to get along with when in actual fact it is him who can't get along with others. I'm so sick of his endless complains...constant ranting about his 'goals'...like retire before 4o ..make $$$$ by whatever age...you know just plain talk no action. Another thing about him is he loves to criticise others...keep on saying that other people have no plan...no goal...no whatever unlike himself. Yeah yeah yeah... whatever... he talks so much...but I hardly see him taking any action. Bleh...all daydream. I really can't stand it any longer. It is really a torture listening to his endless rants. Can't he just shut up and start doing whatever his plan is? WTF man... NATO.

Books

2006-09-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

I've completed reading Kane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer a long time back and now I'm reading the sequal The Prodigal Daughter. I loved the first book...Kane and Abel. Great plot. But I was disappointed by its sequal. The begining is just a summary of the first book which is pretty boring. Well, I'm still trying hard to complete reading the summary...sucks man...it puts me to sleep on the MRT every morning on my way to school. I hope the plot will become more interesting after the summary ends.
Anyways, anyone out there has a good fiction book to recommend to me? I like suspense. No romance please...a bit is tolerable like in Kane and Abel but that should not be the main theme of the story. I tried reading Bloodline by Sidney Sheldon...but I stopped in the middle...too much sexual content man...too much detail.

MRT

2006-09-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

I really hate travelling on the MRT during the rush hours every morning. The train is so crowded and it is so stuffy in there. I kind of have difficulty breathing and I keep yawning( a sign of lack of oxygen). Its terrible. Worst of all I really hate it when those men with their greasy gelled air rest their heads on the glass panels, leaving unsightly stains there. So everytime I sit down I have to sit very straight up cos I don't want my hair to touch the panels. It is so disgusting man...sometimes there is even strands of hair stuck on the panels as well. YUCK! I seriously feel if the train were to be divided into compartments seperating females from males the problem will be solved...well ... at least for us females. After all we females seldom up so much gell on our heads until the hair is stuck tightly on our heads. Seriously, you guys out there...you think you look nice like that??

BIG ccas

2006-09-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why...but i miss being in BIG ccas like the band. It just has a different feel to it. The kind of unity...er...and so on. I can't invest on such endevours now that I have limited time available. So I shall settle with a small one.

Tuesdays are such a bore

2006-09-26T02:18:00.001-07:00

Ahh...shall start today by writing that I've got a goal...what is it...I shall not say it out cos...this entry can be read by anyone . Nth much actually. Just striving for excellence.
Anyways...I joined some art club today to learn some craft AND at the same time pick up some points. Ah...I'm 'lucky' to be appointed as treasurer of the class...well...my mental sums aren't that good though I can score in calculus... :/
Shall if this entry short as I've got nothing muc to say actually. Got loads of plans in my head... well... shall see how things proceed.

School

2006-09-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Monday sch reopen. Wa lao eh..my new timetable si beh kanna sai. Mon, thurs and friday study from 8am to 5pm except thurs and fri start at 9 am lah. Wah lao... only one miserable 1hr lunch break in between...like zhuo kang like that. But at least last time i zhuo kang can jiat jua now and then. Now cannot. U jiat jua...U fail module...u must da bao. wa lao...peng. And then I how old liao...still da bao...? I must as well go jiat sai lah. Cannot...I wanna work full time asap... Uni can wait lah...but I just wanna be able to bring home some money every month asap. I feel useless as a full time student. I wanna be able to earn money asap loh...not for myself...for ah pa ah ma one. I feel so bad seeing my ah pa work so hard...he so old liao...I wanna take over asap leh...Haiz...too bad...my results kanna sai have to come here...never mind...i do well here still got hope one...

2006-09-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

Learn how to speak hokkien (Lesson 1)

Great for hokkien idiots like me ... I happened to play this loud when my mom's around...Opps...kenna tio meh...

2006-09-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

hokkien james bond

wah lao. Si beh tok gong ah... wa lao eh...wahhaha

Idiot neighbour

2006-09-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

I hate my neighbour. He/she smokes like 24/7. What the fuck. It makes my whole house smells as if a pungent cancer gas bomb has just exploded everyday and I will have to head for my 'bomb' shelter...ie my room where the windows are always shut and slam the door in fustration. I mean when...tell me when will this idiot die from smoking. Make it asap or else I or my other family members will get some nasty illness soon. Please make this idiot die soon. Everytime if there's a funeral taking place at my block, I pray hard it is this idiot's funeral. But each time..it turns out to be not. :(
Urgh! That idiots smokes all day long at the window...if he/she wants to smoke can he/she kindly don't smoke at the window. Why can't these smokers smoke in their room with the windows shut? Isn't that better? Since they enjoy their smoke so much why not preserve the smoke longer for their enjoyment? By shutting the windows and doors of the room, they trap the smoke in the room and hence they can breathe in as much of their lovely 'fragrant' aroma as long as they like without having to waste another cancer stick. You know nowadays the price of cancer sticks are rising. Isn't this a good way to save money? Why waste these expensive smoke by 'dispensing' them out of the window? Thanks for sharing but me and my family don't appreciate it.

Robot sounds=music?

2006-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to the radio recently and I must say the pop music scene now is really shitty. I mean take a look at Justin's Sexy Back. I definately don't know what's so sexy about that song. The chorus sounds like some robot talking and its so monotonous and keeps repeating until it gets me irritated. As for the verses, they sound like some one trying too hard to sound 'sexy'. You call that a song? I call that trash.
Next up...Robbie William's Rudebox. Same here...sounds robotic. You call those robot like sounds music? I can hardly make out any kind of rhythm in that so called song. Its horrible....especially in the chorus where robots start talking.
Oh my god...I really don't understand why people these days consider robot sounds music...if thats the case I must as well listen to my printer's noise or the fax machine all day...cos THAT'S MUSIC!

Thoughts

2006-09-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

Just saw my results for last semester. Ok...not fantastic to me but its okay. I'm not disappointed. Or maybe I am...but whatever it is...the worst grade I get was a B....the rest were As. What I'm unhappy about is something else...The GPA....I'm aiming for 3.8. Almost...but not there yet. I will work harder. Trust me...I'm going to be like a crazy person next semester. My hunger is there and no one can stop me. No need to repeat any modules. I'm actually considering getting a CCA after realising that I can cope well here after one semester and I can cope with one more commitment. Still considering. After all I just want a good cert thats all I ask for. I just want to use this cert to get into a job I will enjoy doing for the rest of my life. Pay isn't an issue and I'm not eyeing for high status. All I want is to be sure that this is what I will enjoy doing and hence my plan to work for sometime first. I don't want to rush things. After all it is my life.

2006-09-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

Keiko Matsui - Forever Forever

Piano solo by my favourite pianist

alumni prac

2006-09-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

I went back for alumni prac on sat. I was greatly disappointed by the attendence...only about 8 people turned up. Imagine....8people band....no percussion ... no horns...and so on....what the hell?! I was told there is some important announcement....so I went .... only to see 8 people. ?! And the person who told me got impt announcement never come....okay got valid reason lah...but then I dun think all cannot make it mah....Anyways I go there throw face only lah. My playing sucks...I tot no playing anymore loh...8 people only play what? Then suddenly the president say want to play so I went to fetch out an instrument....only to realise that the valves are stuck.... and mind u its a new instru.... Heck!
Ok....my playing sucks lah....really man.....my sight reading sucks as usual....I need some time to read a piece I've never seen before no matter how easy before I can play....thats how lousy lah... u gimme one score and ask me to play straight away....I tell ya...I play bullshit. Hahaha...never mind lah....but then I really hate my braces man...they kinda 'cut ' my lips... its kinda uncomfortable.
Never mind....I only play it once in many many blue moons now. Tomorrow morning I'm visiting my orthodontist. Hah....it means...NEW COLOUR braces! What shall I pick this time? I thinking of maybe pink. I'm sick of blue.

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!

2006-09-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sigh. As a reflection of what the title of this entry says...I'm not taking the risk. So I do not intend to blog for some time.

Rants

2006-09-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that supermodel kate moss smoked up to 80 cigs a day. I was like whao! She must smell like a walking cig! Her breath must smell extrememly bad too. I want to see her lungs man...I remember being at the human exhibition a few years back and I saw a real smoker's lung. It was extremely awful. Holes everywhere...and it is black. Yuck...beside it was a healthy lung. The healthy lung was red and very much intact without any large holes. Hmm....its kinda unfair to me. She takes drugs , smokes non stop and drinks and yet she still have such good looks. For me I don't smoke...in fact I've never even touched a cig before or even a cig box! That I can swear. I get disgusted when I come near any tobacco related product and thats how extreme it gets...I avoid even empty cig boxes. I have tobacco-phobia. Anyways, I never took any drugs except medication prescribed by my doc. Plus I only drink once in 'many' blue moons and each time I drink it is those with very low alc conc...5% at most and only a glass. Thats all! But yet....I don't have good complexion and look stunning like Kate. Hah...I guess it just boils down to good genes. She's one lucky girl but it is a shame that she doesn't know how to cherish herself.