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Friday, September 14, 2007 ??Its been quite a while since I last updated my blog. I have started on my clinical attatchment and I must say I was very intimidated by what I saw during my first day at the heart centre. I went back to the school's library to borrow some books on cardiac technology after that...I was scared...well perhaps 'scared' is not the right word to use...more of worried and anxiety.My results for last semester will be out soon and I don't have a good feeling about it cos I was so stressed and kept suffering from anxiety attacks...something I'm so familiar and afraid of...I definately don't want history to repeat itself. I recently saw an article about a new technique for treating depression called DBS (deep-brain stimulation ) which is still under experimental stage. I want to go for that...but I very well know this is an extreme resort but then I have been so miserable due to this fucking illness for so long that it has robbed away my teenage years. Medicine doesn't seem to help and my fucking psychaitrist knows nothing and can't cure me. Even though he kept saying my condition is good now...I don't see anything good...I am pretty much still the same since I was hospitalised for this fucking illness years ago. I take my medicine everyday and I turn up for my appointments and yet I'm feel the same butthe doctor keep on saying I'm recovering which fucking fustrates me. How can I be recovering when I still get suicidal often and attempts it? I think I'm just getting better at hiding what I'm feeling to prevent my family from worrying about me. It scares me...sometimes I wonder whether my brain ever secretes dopamine or am I like one of those hard core meth addicts whose brain can't produce dopamine anymore due to drug abuse? BUt then I'm no drug abuser. |
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